Awww... Don't give up. It is bound to be far more difficult than we could imagine. I don't have children myself... but I think I understand the frustration. I think! It just isn't as easy as it should be.

I am sure you are doing everything correctly, it is just hard.

I know you are a great Mom I was so glad to see your update tonight!

Please, please do not feel badly... I understand, but don't be so hard on yourself!

It is all good

You feel absolutely NORMAL!! Oh, hun.. I know it sucks big time.. but you're a wonderful mom for worrying, and for wanting to be the best you can be for your son.

I might have a few tips, both as a mom and a nurse, that might help you out a little... if you're not too bombarded with "advice" already (in which case, feel TOTALLY free to flip me a virtual finger and ignore everything I say, I won't be offended because I know what it's like, lol).

If you want to make sure he has a good latch, there's a wonderful trick my midwives (and maternity teachers) showed me that was the ONLY thing to save my nipples from self-destruction. When he latches on, wait for him to start suckling, then put your finger across between his bottom lip and his chin, and bring his chin down, which opens his mouth really wide. There's a great video by Dr. Jack Newman (from La Leche) showing it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox8ht-EVnQA, and I highly recommend scouring youtube for pretty much anything by him... the guy's awesome when it comes to breastfeeding and tips.

Another thing that really helps with sore nipples and milk production (as weird as it sounds), is putting wet teabags (just regular plain old tea) on your nipples for a few minutes. It's harmless to baby, and it'll ease the soreness and help open up the ducts. Plus, it's a natural antioxidant, so if you find your nipples are chaffing and opening up (as in cracking and exposed raw skin), it'll prevent any kind of infections. I'm assuming, that is, that you've already been using the Lansinoh cream and it isn't working, lol.

If you haven't already gotten any, try getting some Blessed Thistle or Fenugreek root pills... they're excellent milk stimulants. Blessed Thistle doubled my milk production, personally. Just drink LOTS of water with it, or there's no point... that's where it pulls the milk from ;)

If Ian keeps pulling away while you're trying to get him to feed, it MIGHT possibly be because the milk tastes "strange" to him... in which case you might want to monitor your diet a bit. ANY kinds of spices can really turn off babies (even non-"spicy" ones), and give them upset stomachs. Red meats, onions, peppers, garlic and caffeine can do the same thing... they may not be agreeing with his tastebuds or his tummy. Try alternating the foods you eat to see if it makes any difference.

And if you made it through reading all of that, you rock ;)

yup! normal. Call me later today if you want, I'll prolly be home. And if you're having trouble nursing, like people said, call the public health nurse. They even do house calls. But there are tons of support groups if you want to go there for info (Like the le leche group, etc).
But really don't worry. How you feel is completely normal. I don't know a mom that doesn't like some time without her kids. Really.
And I think part of the problem is that you're lonely and don't have a lot of people around you.
But call me sometime today, or whenever you want to talk.
xoxox

@LavenderFieldsForever - 

Thanks for the support soetimes i guess you just need to hear it.

@neko_nog - 

well I don't know that i am not making enough milk, i can pump about 6 ounces in a sitting, and he always seems to get some. I was worried thats what it was at first so i began to drink fenugreek tea. But I think i may actually have the forceful letdown problem. he begins to drink but he drinks SUPER fast and furious, then gets mad. I have tried pumping a bit before feeding, i THINK i see a difference, but i dont know for sure yet. Problem with that is that i just end up making MORE milk haha. which is ok, cuz then there is some for spiros parents when they take him. I just worry about the gassyness..my god, i feel so horrible when he is in pain and i cant do anything about it. i trying Infacol, sometimes it helps but i try not to use it (cuz its medicine). i will try the teabag thing for sure. I have tried lanisoh, some prescription cream, breastmilk, and nothing works because he gets on there and just begins to mangle them LOL. i will also try your chin advice. I also think that dairy upsets his tummy, as he still does the fussy thing when he has formula (had to supplement in the beginning) and it is dairy derived. I also ate a lot of dairy the past week. and Neko, I ALWAYS want advice from other mothers especially ones who are nurses lol. thanks!!!!

@changed_like_me - 

so what did you do to help with the forceful letdown? thanks btw, its nice to hear I am not alone and I am normal. I feel like an ass when i cry. I just feel like i am incompetant, you know?

@zoe_raven - 

I think I will give you a call later, I will get some chores done while the 'rents have him, then call mom, and then try you. hopefully. if things work out like that.

thanks everyone, i feel better knowing i am not the only basket case out there ok, now i gotta go pump, cuz Ian is sleeping (FINALLY) and I still have more milk! yay me!

I'm glad you're not biting off my head for offering advice... I often wanted to do it to people who forgot that I took maternity courses and kept repeating stuff I already knew, lol.

If you DO try the tea bag thing, the only downside is they may dry out your nipples a tiny bit, so you might want to put the Lansinoh on them after each time, just to keep them moisturized. I used to find that I always had to massage my boobs downwards towards the nipple as Danté fed, because I had the same letdown problem... it really helped.

Have you tried the colic hold when rocking him? It's AMAZING for gas.. calms them right down. There's a pic of it here... though I'm assuming you probably were already taught it by the midwives.

Another thing that I discovered probably about 6 months in, and WISH I had done from the beginning (partially just from playing with Danté, but holy crap, it's so friggen effective!), try rubbing his abdomen while he's lying on his back, in clockwise little circles. The upper, transverse and lower colon moves clockwise, so it helps push gas down to his bum. Then, after about a minute or so, gently tuck his feet up to his ears, which pushes air out of his belly... I just about guarantee you'll be rewarded with a nice fart!! Try it a few times until he seems to be out of gas... oh my god, it's a life saver, hahaha :)

Good luck :)

For the forceful letdown the most helpful thing was positioning, of both me and the baby.  I would hold her in the "football" hold and lean back so that the milk had to work harder to get out. When she didn't feel like the milk was going to drown her, feeding became easier.

I went through the same thing as you!!!
Don't feel guilty either. Appreciate it that your in-laws are willing to help you that way. The stress will work against you physically (milk production) and mentally. Plus, they love the bonding time they can get with him. It will benefit him too.

I let my mom take Mia for 5 days and nights straight for my nipples to heal before I could let her on for her night feeds. (She was being cup and finger fed during this time)
Mia bit me so hard one day that my milk stopped and I was having so much trouble with the latching too. Plus, I had something called vasospasm (see jack newmans site), cracked/bleeding nipples, prickly heat all over my breast and blocked ducts.

In the meantime, I had 2 nurses come by and 2 lactation consultants from Dr.Jack Newman's Clinic (which is down the street from me) help me out too! (The same guy NEKO mentioned above)
If your nipples are really sore and cracked go to Dr.Jack Newman's site and get hold of his prescription ointment. It really works and helped it heal a whole lot faster and better than the Lansinol (spl).
(If you're in a pinch let me know I'll hook you up with some.)

http://www.drjacknewman.com/
FYI He's known as the GURU of BREASTFEEDING of North America.
Also there links to his videos too!

I did the Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek capsules as prescribled by Dr. Newman.
It worked wonders bringing up my milk... and not worry about having too much milk. It's better that way than not being able to produce enough. I think 6oz is amazing in one sitting. I was lucky if was able to pump 2 oz out of both boobs during my early months.

FYI, have you noticed whether or not your appetite had gone up taking the herbs?
Mine was crazy! I only noticed it one day about 2.5 months into this supplement business that I looked at the bottle of Blessed Thistle and on the label highlighted in RED did it say "will INCREASE APPETITE".
I gawffawed with my mom when read that!!! No wonder I was hungry all the time and was slowly gaining weight. Anyhoo...something to laugh about. But it works for milk production too.

As for the gas... Have had chance to see this DVD called the DUNSTAN BABY LANGUAGE?
http://www.dunstanbaby.com/

IF not get hold of ASAP.
You might be able to get it at the library, midwife might have it.
I swear once I figured out Mia's "Pre-CRY", life was much easier as to which method of relief I can do for her. Once you figure it out that it's gas in the upper tummy or in the lower tummy you won't have to waste your time doing everything!
They also teach you other things too... and I honestly can say you will really get to know your child a whole lot better and less frustrated and unsure.

Another thing, many nights were spent holding her upright walking up and down the stairs during the first two months and hold her doing many squats up and down. This technique helped pop out some gas too!
It's also good for your butt too!

The throw ups are ok... as long as he's gaining weight. Not everything is lost. His little tummy needs to strengthen up and it will I promise. If you're really worried about Ian not getting enough... pump and give it to him via bottle, that way you can see how much he's taken in.

Everyone, freaked about nipple confusion and I swear one of the lactation consultant who really helped me figure things out from Dr. J.N clinic said "if they want to suck, they will suck on anything!"
She didn't believe in Nipple Confusion (which is not Dr. J.N.) and FYI baby's prefer their mom's breast anytime over anything, so he'll be on you at anytime. As long as you are pumping frequently then your milk supply will not dwindle either.

Just don't give up... It really hurts I know... and I told you that many times before you had Ian.
It was toe curling pain and I'd cringe and hold my breath before Mia would clamp down on me but it's all worth it. For your benefit, try to relax and take a deep breath when Ian is latching. He'll sense your agony and tension and will react according as you had mentioned.

It's also true about the 3 month marker... things do get easier with the breastfeeding. Till the teeth start.
Mia's 6 months now and just cut her first tooth. Lil' razorblade... owww! But I'm determined to at least keep it up till she's one years old.

BTW how much did Ian weigh when he was born and how much does he weigh now?